Healing Isn’t Linear: From Military Trauma to Finding Myself Again
People often see healing as a simple path from pain to recovery, with steady steps forward. But for many, especially those whove faced trauma, its far more complex. My story, told in my book Secrets of the Uniform, shows this reality. Its a personal account of my time in the military, the trauma I faced, and the winding road to healing, full of setbacks, progress, and rediscovering who I am.
Serving my country was an honor for me. Growing up, stories of bravery and sacrifice inspired me. And my work as a police officer and studies in criminal justice increased my desire for it. I even thought about becoming an FBI agent one day.
But life changes plans. As my graduation came nearer, my husband became seriously ill with heart disease, unable to work, and our marriage began to fall apart. The need to support my family started to overwhelm me, and in that tough moment, I chose to join the U.S. Army.
I believed it would provide stability for my family and let me serve. Basic training transformed me. At thirty-four, I was older than most recruits. But I was determined to prove myself. The physical and mental challenges were intense, but each one I overcame brought pride. I felt like the soldier Id always wanted to be. The teamwork, discipline, and sense of purpose were everything Id hoped for. But that excitement faded quickly. When I joined my reserve unit, military life was a shock.
The atmosphere was nothing like the focused, principled world of basic training. I was stunned by some soldiers behaviordrinking too much, acting inappropriately, and ignoring the values we were meant to uphold. I felt out of place and uneasy.
Even among other women in my unit, I felt alone, as they seemed to accept the unhealthy culture. It wasnt the military Id imagined. Things grew worse when my unit got orders for the Gulf War in Iraq.
At the same time, my husband needed emergency heart surgery, and my mother faced serious health problems. I was torn between my duty to the Army and my family. Anxiety filled my days as I tried to balance both. But more challenges came. In the reserve unit, I started facing harassment from male soldiers. Their rude comments and actions made me uncomfortable and diminished my sense of being a soldier.
Each day was a struggle to keep my dignity in a place that felt more hostile. Things escalated when an officer attacked me. Fear and confusion overwhelmed me. I fought to protect myself, but the emotional wounds cut deep.
The attack left me unsure of what to do or who to trust. Reporting it was one of the hardest things Ive done. I feared no one would believe me or that the system Id joined would turn against me. The chain of command, meant to protect me, felt like a barrier. Eventually, I found a barracks NCO who cared and urged me to report it. But many responses I got dismissed my concerns.
It seemed the system cared more about protecting itself than helping people like me. The trauma didnt stop there. After being dismissed from my duties, threats began. My dog was shot to scare me.
A friend died, leaving me more isolated and in despair. Threatening phone calls came every night, making me feel vulnerable and alone. These events pushed me into deep depression, making it harder to cope with what Id already faced.
The weight of it all felt too much, and I doubted I could go on. But there was hope. I started connecting with groups that support survivors of military sexual assault. Through them, I saw I wasnt alone; others had been through this too. This community gave me strength to keep fighting for justice, not just for me but for others who might face the same.
My message is clear: dont let it happen. We must come together to face injustice and ensure everyone feels strong enough to stand up for themselves. By sharing my story, I hope to help others find their voice and know theyre not alone. Healing may not be straight, but its possible. And together, we can build a better future.
My story isnt just about my growth; its a call for all of us to challenge whats wrong and push for a military culture that values respect and support for everyone.
